Is Bigger and Longer Really Better When it Comes to Sex?

A few days ago I found myself in the most unbearably long line at Walmart. You know, that checkout line where you wonder if the cashier has actually died because no one had moved in a solid twenty minutes. While impatiently waiting, like many shoppers, I found myself reading the covers of magazines on display.

7 Tips Every Women Must Try to Make Him Last Longer.

The Secret to Going Longer in the Sack

How Much Sex is Too Much Sex?

Life Hack: How to Make Your Penis Grow

Here’s Why Women Really Care About Size.

And so on. Looking over the selection, I had to wonder – is bigger and longer really all that matters when it comes to sex?

The Pop Culture Façade

ap1Let’s start with where this misconception about sex comes from – pop culture. From Sting’s four-hour tantric sessions to the 40-minute sex tape of Kanye West to those all-night-passion sessions showcased in movies, pop culture plays a huge role in setting unrealistic expectations about what love making should be like. I’m sure you remember your first time, and it probably was more like American Pie than Cruel Intentions. Yet as we find our world constantly surrounded by the sex appeal of the rich and famous and carefully crafted sex scenes – we kind of want to be like them. The result: sexual disappointment and dysfunction.

The Science of Size

If you are familiar with the Showtime drama Masters of Sex, then you have probably heard of the two researchers – Masters and Johnson – who are considered pioneers in understanding what makes us tick. In their findings, they noted that the average vaginal canal is approximately 3- to 4-inches long. Anthropologists want to remind you that a woman’s downstairs can vary greatly based on their race. I.E. African American women are known to have longer canals to accommodate the often larger johnson of their male counterparts while Asians have drawn the short stick.  When a woman is aroused, the vaginal walls expand roughly 1- to 2-inches to better accommodate your schlong.

What does that mean for size? It means that bigger is not always better.

85% of women state that they are content with the size of their partner’s dong. Sex therapist and author, Ian Kerner Ph.D, says that if a woman is complaining about your size, it is only because she is not being satisfied.

Women want a man whose dick works with their hooha. Plain and simple. Therapist Debby Herbenick Ph.D adds that when you are too big for a woman it can actually be a turn off because oral, manual, and vaginal pleasure become difficult or painful. With this in mind, remember that if a woman can’t deep throat you or tells you that she’s pretty sure your member just touched her cervix – she (probably) isn’t exaggerating. Despite what the adult industry might have you think, there are few things that are less painful than having a man slam his cock into a woman’s cervix.

How Long is Too Long?

tumblr_inline_mvw8sx65S21qeb30pIn most bedrooms across the world, sex ends because the man gets off. In 2012, the University of New Brunswick asked couples to time their sessions – foreplay and sex – from the comfort of their own homes and report back. On average, foreplay lasted 11- to 13-minutes, while the act of sex itself was 7- to 8-minutes. Unanimously, every couple stated that they wished their naked time would last longer.

A 2008 survey by Penn State University of the members of The Society for Sex Therapy and Research revealed that couples felt any session under two minutes was simply too short. The most desirable time frame was 7 to 13 minutes, with anything over 30-minutes being too long. Sorry Kanye.

Science aside, the reality is that the reason why a woman thinks sex is too long is because she has gotten off and isn’t getting off again OR she hasn’t climaxed and has lost hope that she will. If she thinks your sack sessions are consistently too short, it’s because she isn’t getting off at all. As a woman who has enjoyed 45+ -minute, multi-orgasmic sex consistently, I can tell you that, in my opinion, it is never really too long if you keep her O coming again and again.

Sex is different between every type of couple. For every man I have heard tell me he wishes he could last longer for his girlfriend, there is a woman saying “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”. Instead of worrying about that article in Men’s Health telling you that you need to last longer, or buying into the hype that women love big dicks, focus on what makes you and your partner most satisfied. Plenty of couples love the quickie-sex-life, and just as many prefer hours tangled up together in bed. At the end of the day, when you find the right V for your P, a true happy ending is inevitable.

Until next time, you can email me with your woes (don’t worry, you stay anonymous) at XoXoLeanneC@Gmail.com. 

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In 2016 – Want Better. Be Better. Do Better.

Just 48 hours ago, we turned the clock on another year. Resolutions of health and wellness and relationship satisfaction are all around. Maybe you kissed a special someone at midnight. Maybe you kissed a stranger. Maybe you kissed your dog. Now here we are, on the second day of 2016, and too many of you are still asking when you’re going to find Mrs. Right.

If you were like my friend Jay, you took my advice from last year and ended 2015 with a bang – literally and figuratively. If you failed to keep your promise to me and take my advice, here’s a new chance to try again.

In 2015, I learned a lot about relationships and was fortunate enough to help quite a few people get through the ups and downs, endings and findings of their own. Yet the same message kept coming from my mouth over and over again: When it comes to love you need to want better, be better, and do better.

Love Should Be a Fuck Yes

manonknifeKudos to my friend Sam for teaching me the “Fuck Yes” principle last year. When it comes to all aspects of life, you simply have to ask yourself whether it is exactly what you want. It’s either a “Fuck Yes, I Do” or it’s a “Fuck No.” There is no in between. When you stand in the in between, you only get confusion about your own feelings.

How does this pertain to your relationships? It gives you a reason to want better for yourself. Few things agitate me more than seeing social media postings about how men are always working in the sidelines for women and women don’t appreciate them enough for it. Let me tell you something, if your with someone who can’t see every amazing thing you do – get out. You don’t want to be the guy standing on the knife for a woman who can’t be bothered to see it.

Want better for yourself. Want someone who treats you the way you want to be treated. Want someone who makes you feel the way you want to feel. Don’t want a warm body, half-cocked affection, and settle.

Get Out of Your Own Way

I’ve mentioned a time or two that when someone asks me why I’m still single, I now say “because I made the wrong choices in men.” I’m pretty amazing. I’m not ashamed or afraid to admit that. But it took me a long time to get out of my own fucking way. To stop dating the wrong types of men and to really learn and understand who the right types of men for me are.

Last year, I pledged to be better. I focused on taking care of myself and handling my own insecurities and personal baggage. When it came to love, I (almost) only devoted my time to individuals who made me want to be better. I got out of my own way and stopped letting my own issues prevent me from feeling what I wanted to feel. I may not have ended the year with a ring on my finger, but I did end it getting to know a few amazing men who were in my life for all the right reasons.

Getting out of your own way might mean you stop being such a selfish asshole all the time. It might mean that you stop making apologies for wanting to be undeniably happy and in love. Or it might mean you start doing more in your relationship to give it the potential that it needs, instead of standing with one foot in the water and one foot in the sand. Make a choice to be better for yourself and your partner, and watch how quickly things change.

Love and Be Loved, Uniquely You

tumblr_my907ckrjx1t3icg0o1_500Remember back to that post I did about the unconventional Valentine’s Day? That principle of unique love should filter into your entire relationship. Do better than heart-shaped candies and roses. Do better than forgetting special dates and gas station cards. Be the guy that loves the way he loves and let someone love you the same.

If you haven’t seen the uber chick-flick of the last 20-years, The Notebook, then you should probably rent it right now. Noah Calhoun is uniquely romantic. He has nothing. And it doesn’t matter. The commercially-driven world we live in doesn’t want you to know that roses and expensive dinners aren’t what really makes a woman happy. Noah portrayed his love for Allie by writing her letters. It cost him nothing and it meant the world to her – when she finally got to read them. You might not be a literary wordinaire, but you have your own way of expressing love – go with that.

Choose to do better for yourself by spending less time worrying about buying an expensive gift and more time showing that your love is the ultimate gift.

201501_1819_abeiiMore importantly, do better by letting someone love you in their own unique ways. See the way that they show their love, and accept it. You deserve it! Stop doubting it! You don’t need the material things in life, you need each other. A woman who wants to be with you accepts all your flaws. Right down to leaving your stinky socks on the floor and your asshole tendencies. She sees the way you show love, and loves you for it even if it isn’t a diamond tennis bracelet or a dozen red roses.

If you want to end this year better than you started it, this principle – Want better. Be better. Do better. – is all you need. Apply it to your current relationship, your pending relationship, and the future relationship that’s waiting for you.

Until next time, I’m still getting wastyface and painting drunk pictures on Instagram (@XoXoLeanneC) or you can follow the hot semi-naked chicks @KDMagazine.

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New Ways to Touch Her Down There

What is your go-to move for getting things started with your lady?

For many men, it’s to not-so-casually reach between her legs and start moving their fingers around.

This is the start of foreplay – an essential part of female arousal.

The problem comes when you have been with someone for a few months or years and you have figured out all of the go-to spots for getting her primed and ready for sex. According to Marianne Brandon Ph.D, author of Monogamy: The Untold Story, you start to put in less effort than you once did and your sex life becomes mundane. In fact, one of my closest friends commented on this recently. After nearly two years together, sex has gotten boring. In her own words “He gets me off quick and we got to bed. It’s boring and become routine.”

When sex becomes routine, it loses its ability to connect you with your partner and strengthen your relationship. For couples that believe sexual compatibility is important, this can lead to the end of a relationship. It doesn’t take much effort on your part to change things up, you simply need to adjust your approach to pleasuring your partner. Here are four tips for new ways to touch her, down there.

Discover the Clitoral Hood

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve heard of the hit Netflix series Orange is the New Black. This show got everyone on screen and off screen talking about the clitoral hood. This piece of skin is an extension of the inner labia lips. When a woman becomes aroused, it retracts, exposing the clitoris. Until that point happens, this little flap of skin has its own nerve endings for you to play with. Drag your finger up from the vaginal opening towards the clitoris and feel for the flap. Slowly begin massaging it with your thumb or index finger. This feel-good spot will deliver new sensations to her that she probably hasn’t experienced before.

masaje-sensualMassage Her Nether Region

Men are often so focused on clitoral stimulation that they forget how sensitive a woman’s skin is down there. I’m not just talking about the labia. Women respond to massaging and touching in all parts of her nether region – the inner thighs, mons pubis, buttocks and even that skin that exists before the anus. Touch Me There author Yvonne Fulbright Ph.D suggests applying medium pressure with your palm while you massage the entire area. Dragging your fingers slowly along the inside of her thighs and the edge of her labia is a sure fire way to slowly generate arousal before you ever touch the clitoris or the vagina.

Use Your Fingers & Thumb

One of the biggest mistakes men make when using their hands to pleasure a woman is trying to do too much. Remember that the vagina is not designed to fit around your three middle fingers. It is also not designed for you to ramming them in feverishly without causing her some sort of discomfort. Change it up by using just your middle and index fingers, slowly moving them in and out while applying pressure on the top of the vaginal cavity. This move ensures you are reaching for the rough patch of skin located there known as the g-spot. Then, take your thumb of the same hand and start massaging the clitoris while you are working your two fingers inside of her. The pressure of the two erogenous zones is enough to get her slicked up quick and most likely get her off.

Bonus: Your other hand and mouth are freed up to caress, touch and kiss her other places!

Let Her Start it Off

masturabte-self-loveHave you ever let her get started and watched? Men are often too afraid to ask for this and women are too nervous to suggest it, but both of you can benefit from doing it. First, by letting her pleasure herself in front you, you get a good look at what really gets her off. Second, it’s visual stimulation for your own arousal. She benefits by feeling sexy and desired by you. Plus, women note that when they are being watched, they feel more aroused than usual. When you are ready, you can join in the fun and she is already primed and most of the way there which means less work on your part.

But don’t worry, you’ll both be so turned on by the act that you’ll be ready to dive right into to getting down and dirty.

It is far too easy for an unsatisfying sex life to drive a wedge between two people who are otherwise perfectly compatible. If you sense that you and your partner are starting to drift apart in the bedroom, or just want to try something new, give some of these techniques a try to breathe life back into your foreplay.

Until next time,

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