Up Your Selfie Game 100% with a Personal Drone

auto-following-nano-drone-300x250Is staring at a phone for selfies becoming too inconvenient? Has the act of holding a phone up 35 degrees in front of you become cumbersome and tiresome? Sick of almost dying while trying to get the perfect shot of you pretending to be sleeping? Well, we’ve got the medicine.

Let us introduce you to ZANO, an autonomous drone with a camera that will follow you around and take video or pictures.

Think of the possibilities. 360 degree sex tape action? Maximum awesome. Gym selfie? Pump and done. Driving selfie? Shift and sorted.

It’s the answer to the world’s problems, and then some.

How do you help an extremely tech depraved culture in desperate need of more technology to survive their poor quality of life and deplorable conditions? More technology.

For $265.00, you can free yourself from the oppressive chains of conventional selfie-taking and become the envy of your friends. Take it to the club, take it to the grocery store, take it to the toilet. ZANO doesn’t care, but America does, get to posting.

Ruin Your Kid’s Innocence with the LEGO Strip Club

CFPA_Pole_web_1024x1024Do you think little Johnny has been too sheltered over the past 5 years? Want to kick off the holiday season with bang and completely ruin goodwill , innocence, and overall block building culture for the last 50 years? Get him this LEGO strip club.

Not only is it sure to anger your wife, but it will most likely get your little guy objectifying women before he learns to read his first book.

Teach him that Strippers are people too, and that most of them are drug-free college students seeking to make ends meet in order to complete their first children’s book while on safari in Africa.

This is not an official LEGO project, but a spin-off from a company called Citizen Brick, which takes old LEGO parts and makes them into filthy goodness for all of the brick building deviants and LEGO porn enthusiasts of the world.

If you would like a chance to destroy the meaning of Christmas, and teach your son about paid boobies, visit Citizen Brick online.

Handheld Flameball Thrower

adam wilberIn the spirit of anarchy mixed with extreme nerdism and magic, we introduce Pyro, the handheld flameball thrower that would give Torch a run for his money.

Adam Wilber, the creator of Pyro, developed the apparatus to kind of look like a wristwatch that James Bond would be proud of wearing before,  during, or after a passionate shag with an operative he’s trying to steal secrets from.

Also handy for spy work, Pyro is equipped with four barrels that can be triggered remotely.

For only $170, you can feel like a real life Iron Man. Minus the money, looks, wit, or charm, but you’re sorted on the fire throwing, don’t worry.

Kate Upton loves fire.

We’ve also included an incredibly annoying promo video. We’re not really sure why Adam is walking in the desert, or why random Lamborghinis go speeding by. And we’re utterly baffled by the sparklers. Perhaps he wanted to get us amped up about fire? One would think that portable fireballs are enough to get even the most pedestrian lad a little excited.

Nevertheless, time to terrorize my neighbor’s cat. Cheerio.