For The Win. “Golden Girls” Panties For Your Lover.

golden-girls-panties-300x250Valentine’s Day, the worst fake holiday ever created, is right around the corner. So, instead of showering someone you halfway like with misaligned affection, chocolates, and overpriced flowers, get a gift that will make the day count, and turn you into an instant hero, Golden Girls panties.

Designed after the hit show, The Golden Girls, circa 1980’s, these sturdy panties will have your girl dropping her drawers for decades to come.

That’s right. Decades.

And you my friend, get to watch in amazement, as your lover’s junk is showcased in vivid imagery of Blanche, Sophia, Rose, and Dorothy’s ratchet beauty profiles. It’s basically high-def TV for her lady parts.

The real question is, who wouldn’t like to pull Sophia’s weathered face to the side during an unabashed moment of passion, and have a fumble in the night-time with their woman? The short answer. Yes, everyone would love it.

All cotton, All comfort. All You. Win back the holiday, and be sure to land yourself in the annuls of other epic gift givers.

Yes, we’re serious. Here’s the proof.

Tell Would Be Attackers To Eff Off With This Sleep Mask

fuck-off-sleep-mask1-300x250Have you ever worried about being abducted in your sleep and taken to a private government facility where they run experiments to turn you into a super soldier?

Well, tell those CIA wankers to fuck off with this well-timed sleeping mask. At first sight of this boldly, yet elegantly written catch phrase, your attackers will no longer consider you an enemy of the state, but a worthy operative that simply wants to rest with zero interruptions.

Well done, recruit.

For more information becoming a super spy, visit Amazon’s website. They might use a drone to drop off your mask, or maybe to attempt an air abduction. We’ll never know.

 

This Life-Sized Iron HulkBuster Statue Won’t Get You Laid. But It’s Still Awesome.

Beast-Kingdom-Preview-Event-Avengers-AOU-Life-Size-Statues-002So, you’re a nerd, and you happen to make alot of money. First off, Congratulations. As if the world’s axis has shifted from pimply-faced pubescent torture at the hands of the football captain, you now sit at the throne of an empire, making widgets and programming code.

Money is pouring in faster than you can spend it on new comics. You need an action plan.

In comes this life-sized statue of The Iron Man Hulkbuster costume from the new “Avengers: Age of Ultron” movie. For only 20k, you can own an inanimate object that not only cements your nerdiness in the annuls of virgins everywhere, but you’ll have something that each and every one of your other nerdy friends will covet.

Unfortunately, the simple fact that you’re entertaining the possibility of buying a 10-foot-tall superhero lends to the realization that you won’t be dating anytime soon.

It’s ok, KD loves you the way you are. Nerdy, rich, and completely oblivious the social cues that entice women to show you pictures of them in their undies.

Back to the porn lab.