Forget Everything You Think You Know About Sexual Fantasies

The psychology behind sexual fantasies has become a study point for me in recent years. I find it interesting to see the different roles that people play in their personal and professional lives. From powerful men who beg to be dominated in the bedroom to the thriving world of role-playing and costume-fetish-play; there is a niche for every interest.

sexual-fantasies-studyFor decades, people were afraid to admit that they even thought about some of their deepest darkest desires, but that has all changed. Today, we live in a sexually progressive society where every type of desire can be catered to, without judgement. Despite this, men and women struggle to find ways to talk about their fantasies when in a relationship.

Frankly, I like to cut right to the chase. Typically I ask questions about sexual fantasies long before things ever progress to a second or third date. Being sexually progressive myself, I do not judge what tickles another person’s fancy – but that doesn’t mean it is something that I will welcome into my own personal life.

Well-known author and sex therapist, Ian Kerner Ph.D, stated in an article for USA Today that “a healthy fantasy life is one key to a great sex life.” In fact, in several of his books, he describes the positive impact that expressing and possibly tackling your sexual fantasies can have on your relationship.

Of course the begging questions are – Where do you begin? How do you put your dirty thoughts into words? And what to do if your idea is accepted or rejected?

Fantasies Are a Glimpse at Real Desires

One of the most interesting thoughts on sexual fantasies is that what we dream about is only a glimpse into our deeper desires. When we dream – whether it’s day-dreaming or an intense dream in our sleep – the subconscious is working to present possibilities to us. It is our brain’s way of saying that something might be a good idea. We have fantasies because we have deeper desires that are simply not talked about in the mainstream world of sex.

Think about your image of sex as it was portrayed to you through television shows, movies, even dirty magazines. It is always the same dynamic of a man and a woman, oral sex, missionary style, and maybe the occasional threesome. By the time you reached early adulthood, you had a simple, straightforward idea of what to expect in the bedroom. As you’ve evolved as a person and had more sexual experiences, you have started to learn more about what makes you tick and what sorts of other experiences are of interest to you.

When it comes to sex, it takes us years to unlearn what we thought we knew when we started dating. Sexual fantasies give us a secure way to test out how different ideas and desires make us feel, before trying them out in real life.

Talking About It as a Dream

If you are struggling to get up the courage to talk to your partner about your sexual fantasies, then you are not alone. It is natural to feel like you will be misunderstood or mocked or send your partner fleeing from the state. Men do have the upper hand because generally they are more vocal about their needs than women. But that doesn’t mean the insecurities aren’t there.

One approach – the easiest approach – that is described by several renowned sex therapists, like Ian Kerner, is to use the “I had a dream” approach. With this idea, you outline your fantasy with as much detail as possible but phrase it like it was a dream that you had. The reason it works is because it starts a conversation in a stress-free way. Instead of you saying I want you to do this to me, you paint a picture of what you “dreamt” about. If she is into in, then the discussion will flow. If she’s not, then she will tell you so. Worst case scenario, you laugh it off and say that it was just a dream.

Be Specific and Don’t Be Shy

sexual fantasy tips for menYour sexual fantasies are a glimpse into the deeper parts of your personality. For example, powerful businessmen who seek being dominated do so because it gives them the opportunity to relinquish power in a controlled environment. There are different reasons why every type of fantasy and desire exists for us. Honestly, I could write countless articles about what each different dynamic means.

But it’s not that important, really. You like what you like. It is as simple as that.

When you talk about your desires, be specific. Keep in mind that your desires stem a lot further than wanting a threesome or some other cliché idea. You aren’t trying to fulfill your bucket list of random sexual acts. You are trying to find fulfillment in something specifically on a sexual and emotional level. Fantasies are about giving you that feeling of value, power, desire, ect that you are craving on the inside. They aren’t usually a one-time thing either. Some sexual desires become staples in a couple’s intimate life.

If you are worried about her rejecting your idea – don’t be. First of all, you have more than one deep desire. Start off with something simple and work your way up. Encourage her to express her desires as well. Go back and forth. Experiment. Figure out what works for you and what doesn’t. Couples that do this are more likely to trust each other with the more dramatic sexual desires. Most importantly, expressing your sexual desires helps bring you both closer, builds the emotional connection, and ensures that your sex life never stops at Snoozetown.

On another positive note, Kerner expressed that with almost all of his patients, couples were pleasantly surprised to find out that they shared many of the same desires. I guess you could chalk this up to the way our personalities connect us with others.

So tell me guys, what’s your fantasy?

Until next time, be sure to catch-all things Knuckle Dragger (@KDMagazine) and countless selfies of me painting drunk, cooking food, or my silly puppy (@XOXOLeanneC) on Instagram.


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