You’re Not Her Type – Stop Trippin’, Homie.

My sister is dating this Hispanic dude. Her name is Cortina. In Spanish, Cortina means curtain. She says that she thinks his family purposely talks about curtains in front of her just to drive her crazy. I was relaying this story of my pale-skinned, freckle-faced, red-haired sibling to my Hispanic friend, Ivan, when he said “I thought white girls didn’t like Hispanic/Latino guys. I thought they thought they were gross.”

ramon-rodriguezI couldn’t help but laugh at such a silly assumption. I mean, I would risk life in prison to share the same breath as Ramon Rodriguez. And don’t even get me started on my secret super crush on the Latino cook I used to work with back in New York. Hell, I’m not even shy about admitting I have totally inappropriate crushes on guys like Emilio Rivera and Jimmy Smits.

Ivan’s assumption is based on the actions of a few and on only one characteristic that men and women look for in a partner. When you make these assumptions, you find it easy to take offense when a woman is not that interested in you. You also sell yourself short by not pursing the women you want because you believe that a few who didn’t like you speak for the entire gender.

Are you going to be every woman’s ideal man? Of course not. Here are some things to keep in mind in your quest for love.

It’s Not About Race, Really

interracial-loveMy friend Kaitlin openly admits that she does not date African-American men. A Filipina girl I used to know named Cadence was on the quest for her “Ideal Black Man”. My friend Leslie refers to her dating history and preferences as the “Around-the-World-Tour”. I figured out in college that Indian and Asian men just were not my cup of tea but that Latino and Armenian men were. These various preferences may seem like they are race specific, but they are not.

In fact, these preferences are actually completely out of our control.

Our primary attraction towards someone is in the control of something called pheromones. If you are not familiar with the term, pheromones are the natural scent that we emit. Every race has a different scent, even if you cannot smell your own. Every person’s blend of race, has its own unique scent. And our brains register that scent as either appealing or not appealing which then triggers the rest of our body and mind to form an opinion about someone.

Think I’m joking?

A few months ago I was visiting this Columbian guy I was dating; standing in his kitchen. He was fresh from the gym. I’m already speechless at his awesomeness, of course, so the only thing I manage to say when he hugs me is “You smell so good.” He thought I was kidding. I was not. In fact, whatever it was about the scent of his skin, especially post-workout, drove me crazy on a continual basis, from the moment we met. Like, I wanted to rip his clothes off every second of every day, crazy. Keeping all that crazy, burning desire on the inside was actually killing me.

That, my friends, is the power of pheromones.

Adult Women Know What they Want

woman-with-two-hearts-pfDuring my epic summer of online dating, this one man had messaged me. I looked over his profile and quickly realized his negativity, red hair, and meathead appearance were not for me. I politely told him that I was sure he was a very nice person, but he was not what I was looking for and wished him luck in his search.

He responded, in all caps: I IMPLORE YOU TO GET OUTSIDE OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE AND GIVE ME A CHANCE.

Well now that you are yelling at me, I’m definitely going to commit to a date with you. Not.

I’m not 19-years old anymore. I’ve completed half of the around-the-world-tour in terms of partners. I’ve dated a lot. I know what I like. At almost 30, I’m not trying to waste my time with anyone who is not what I am looking for, down to the letter.

Adult women know what they want in a partner and are usually smart enough to be actively seeking it. You might be the greatest piece of cake on the planet but you just might not do it for her. Don’t get offended by it!

Keep in mind that her preferences, much like yours, are complex. My friend Amy openly prefers men who are hairy and like to party. My friend Heather thinks chunky men with boyish faces who hunt and fish are the best thing since sliced bread. My sister prefers men who are very thin and whom she can take care of and be “wifely” towards. I prefer men who are ambitious, powerful, athletic and love to try new things and challenge me.

If a woman says you are not her type, then you are not her type. Don’t start thinking there is something wrong with one specific part of you. There isn’t.

You Have Your Own Preferences Too

heartbroken_600x450If you are the type of man who is getting offended because a woman isn’t into you, then you are seeking her out for the wrong reasons. This type of man is someone who is desperate for love. When you are desperate for companionship, you are willing to compromise parts of yourself and your preferences in a partner, to make yourself feel happier.

First of all, no other person can make you happy. You have to do that yourself. Second of all, when you start to make these compromises you are setting your relationship up for failure.

Figure out what you want in a partner, first. What works with your life? A partner who wants to stay home and raise babies? A woman who has a flexible lifestyle that allows her to go where you go? Someone who shares some of your larger interests like running or Star Wars; or at the very least will be your biggest cheerleader?

What about her appearance? Do you prefer curves to the skinny-minnies? Are you a man who only cares about large breasts? Should she be fashion-obsessed or is a life of yoga pants and jeans just fine by you? Does she have to love cats? Do you want her to take care of you all the time?

When it comes to finding love, you have to always put your own preferences in a partner first, without apology. Women today have taken on this mindset and are going out full-force after the man of their dreams. Why shouldn’t you do the same?

A time will come when you will find that person. The timing might be off. It might be a mess. She might be scared to let you in. Or she might want to get married after a month. You just never know. But that excitement you feel on the inside… that wonder you get when you look at her… that little voice in your head that tells you every obstacle from now until eternity is going to be worth it even if you don’t understand or know how it will work out… that is what makes it all worthwhile.

So guys, don’t worry about the women who love you and leave you.

Don’t stress about those that never give you a chance.

Don’t get tangled up in the what-ifs of your past girlfriends who let you go.

Don’t settle for a woman who isn’t exactly what you want and deserve.

You’re pretty awesome even if you are obsessed with Japanese Anime or have a grade-school smile. And somewhere out there is a woman who is going to love everything about you from the way you smell after the gym to the way you obsess over your giant beard. Keep putting yourself out there. She’s looking for you too.

Until next time,

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