A Look at Threesomes From the Ladies Perspective

skorpio-threesomeAdmittedly I was a little hesitant to write this piece. There is a sense of taboo that exists when it comes to women talking about their sex lives. For men, it’s a victory. For women, it’s being a tramp.

We all know our fair share of judgey, conservative people who expect you to apologize for anything that they don’t agree with. But as I’ve grown up (that’s what all this bill-paying, being responsible bit is, right?) I have learned that you should never apologize for who you are or for your own pleasure.

Being a good writer is impossible if you are not authentic. There is no truer form of authenticity than telling your own story. So, here goes. About eight years ago I dated this epic loser. I mean, the guy followed me around in his car while I walked my dog, for a week, before asking me out. I typically refer to this pot-smoking, jobless creep as a “momentary lapse in judgment”; for this, we shall call him Bud.

Bud was pretty adamant on wanting to have a threesome. It’s like he felt that because he entertained my love for having sex in cemeteries, he should get what he wanted. Now listen, I pretty much live by the rule that you should try (almost) everything once. Obviously I have guidelines for that rule, but you get my point. A threesome was just not on my list of things I ever wanted or was willing to try. After some time of badgering, I gave in. The result was pretty much an eh experience. I left the picking of the girl up to him thinking that if he picked me, he must have good taste. Truth be told, I would never do it again but I don’t regret the experience – no matter how crappy it was, it felt good at the time.

Of course, the whole thing got me thinking – what is the lure of a ménage à trios and what is the best way to approach it with a woman?

Understanding the Male Psyche

According to psychologist Seth Meyers of the LA County Department of Health, threesomes hold particular appeal because they combine a taboo act with a natural act – sex. For adult men, sex is typically geared towards validating their attractiveness and masculinity. One of the ways they showcase this is through having multiple sex partners. A threesome is seen as a conquest that they can boast about to their friends. Coincidentally enough, Bud boasted to his friends; one of which I later started dating.

On some level, a threesome seems like an unattainable goal and that makes it even more attractive to some men. In the end, there are three types of men – those that don’t want to share; those that live for the conquest; and those that have done it, got the t-shirt and are over it.

It’s Not for Everyone

When it comes to sex, it’s worth it to try most things at least once. You can never really know if something is worth it until you do. Like all things sex related, there are a few factors that determine if it’s right for you.

  1. The “grossness” factor. This is what keeps many people from pursing things like anal sex. Mentally, you can’t wrap your head around doing that in a place associated with grossness. I’m the type of girl that if I’m with you then I want you and no one else; and hopefully the reason that you are with me is because you want me too. The idea of even considering someone else is disgusting to me. I’ve talked with a lot of guys who fall into this category. Sure, the idea is arousing but then your brain lets you believe that the touch of another person is the equivalent of gangrene. 
  2. The “can-I-live-with-myself” factor. Anyone who tells you that they do not have a deep secret sexual desire is a liar. There are millions of people in this world who are one step from trying something new but too afraid. Mentally, we convince ourselves that if we do something that makes us feel good but is taboo then we are disgusting. In a perfect world we would all grow up surrounded by unconditional love and promotion of self-worth and self-love (valuing your self, not pleasuring your self); and wouldn’t think twice about exploring our sexuality. Since we don’t, avoid any sexual acts that will lead to self-loathing.
  3. The jealousy factor. I’m the last girl who you will see green with envy or jealousy – at least not on the outside. After discussing this topic with my girlfriends, most of us agreed that the hardest part of committing to a threesome is the jealousy factor. I’m just one of those girls who doesn’t want someone else touching my man. I mean, I’m not saying I would call a woman out for eye-banging him but if we were partnered in the same Krav Maga class, I’m not saying she would leave unharmed. If the roles were reversed and your threesome was with another guy, would you be okay with him looking at, touching and pleasuring your woman?

Finding the Right Person

Remember how I said Bud must have good taste because he picked me? Well the woman he brought in was… maybe a 2 on the scale. I felt it was a positive that I didn’t know her. I mean, after being down in my naughty bits, I didn’t really want to have to see her again. Honestly, I thought she sucked. But I admit that not finding her attractive played a role in that as well. She was also distracting my tongue techniques on Bud which I found frustrating. Anyone who has 69’d can relate to that. When both of you are servicing each other simultaneously, it’s impossible to keep it going as the release builds. Each person takes a little break to enjoy the ecstasy. 

I have met women who think having a friend or co-worker is the best option, but then that brings it back to the jealousy factor. If your girlfriend’s good-looking male co-worker were to join you, would you be ok with that? Would you wonder if he would be oogling your girlfriend when they are trapped in the copy room at work? Are you secure enough in your relationship that you think she wouldn’t leave you for him? What if he has a bigger package? Trust me, these are the same things women think about. What if her breasts are perkier or her hoo-haa is tighter?

The best way to determine the right person is to have an open dialogue with your partner. Let them tell you what they think. Consider a variety of scenarios and how you feel about them. Most importantly, take your time. Just because you’ve decided to give it a try doesn’t mean you need to rush right into it. Finding the right person will make all the difference in your experience.

 

Until next time,

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