I had one goal for 2014 when it comes to KD: make my column more personal for my audience. I quickly realized that in order to do that I was going to need more male friends willing to share their secrets with me over a couple rounds of Jameson. Luckily Wilmington, NC is filled with men who gazed upon my trustworthy face and spilled their guts in an instant. Full disclosure – I, of course, made them aware that any and all information shared would be used in my writing.
One particular evening I was chatting with my favorite server Steve* (27) at a restaurant that I frequent. Alongside of me is two regular guys who are sharing the hilarious stories of things women have done to them. As Steve disappears to do some restaurant cleaning, I notice a blonde 20-something girl in yoga pants standing at the end of the bar. Since I am close with the establishment and no one is around, I ask what she needs. The girl says she just wanted to get Steve’s phone number. Bold move. I’m impressed.
Knowing he would want her to have it, I give her his number and send her on her way. I share the good news and high-five my “wing-woman” status when Steve reemerges. As he is excitingly texting back and forth with the blonde, he mentions plans to go diving with her the following morning.
“Steve! What if she’s a serial killer?! I mean, she could tie you up and beat you in her sex dungeon.” Are the words that come out of my mouth. I have no filter and have watched enough Criminal Minds to know that everyone has serial killer potential.
His response, “I would love that.”
“But have you ever dated anyone who was into BDSM?”
“No, I never know where to find girls like that.”
Well it’s not going to be the 20-something blonde in yoga pants at the sushi restaurant.
Finding someone who shares your inner desires and fantasies is difficult for pretty much everyone. It’s challenging to meet and date someone who you feel completely comfortable sharing all of your dark desires with. As a human race, we feel vulnerable when people know our secrets if they don’t fully support them. And let’s face it, too many people today pass judgment on everything we say or do. As a result, those that enjoy certain fetishes are left in the cold and seek validation outside of their own relationship.
Does this mean you are possibly doomed to a life without a girl who likes to be tied up or enjoys you sucking on her toes? Of course not. You just need to know how and where to look.
On a Scale of 1 to 10…
First, you need to ask yourself – on a scale of 1 to 10, how important is this particular fetish to you?
It might seem like a loaded question. One of the regulars at the bar told a story of how he casually referenced being open to a variety of sexual acts to a girl and she immediately responded with “I don’t get into all that, I’m just a vanilla girl.” Ouch.
There are people in this world who cannot live without certain fetishes. Steve, for example, is very masculine and notes that while he treasures being a gentleman, he derives great pleasure from being controlled in the bedroom. People who have an interest in BDSM understand it’s not about inflicting pain on another person; it’s about being in control of their pleasure (and trust) and bringing the maximum pleasure possible. For Steve, a relationship that doesn’t allow him to express his sexual desires will never last for the long haul.
Find a Group
I’m not sure when finding dates on Craigslist became the “thing” to do, but it’s dangerous – especially when you are talking about fueling your inner freaky. In every city across the globe there are groups of people who gather and share their fetishes. In fact, when I was a waitress in college there was this group of swingers that would come in once per month. They ignored the conservative people casting judgment on them and enjoyed their blissful state with like-minded individuals.
The reality is pretty simple. “Vanilla” lovers will never understand why different fetishes fuel passion and desire for some people and not others. Psychologists spend extensive amounts of time researching and understanding how the human brain can perceive pain as pleasure for one person but not the other. Putting yourself in a position where you can meet the right, accepting person will alleviate the sting of rejection.
You can also checkout sites like AdultFriendFinder.com and Fetishmates.com to find people in your area. Sites that are targeted for people with your interests are a better option than traditional dating and hookup sites.
Keep Your Personal Life Personal
What you do behind closed doors is no one’s business. People who unleash their inner freak tend to be tight-lipped about it. As I’ve already said, people today are judgey. You can expect a backlash from even your closest family and friends if they find out you secretly love golden showers or dressing up as a stuffed animal during sex.
Sex is meant to connect two people on the deepest level. Some might say that if you are just “vanilla” then you are missing out on the deeper level of trust and connection that is aligned with fetish play. Don’t let outside chatter hinder your sexual bliss. No matter which way you slice the cake, two people who love each other and support each other’s sexual desires are the secret ingredient to the great relationship recipe.
*Name has been changed.